Sunday, May 23, 2010

Anything Special Left To See

Recently my husband and I got into  a argument about my past life and how I used to party. He started asking some very personal questions about men I used to date, and if I had had sex with them or not. I admit that I was NOT at all comfortable divulging this kind of information. I had worked so hard to get over the regrets of my sexual past, and did not want to revisit these issues with my husband,and had always felt that one should never kiss and tell (it just makes it easier this way). But he kept pressing and pressing for more information and more details, and it was at that moment that I realized that your sexual past can have a lasting impact on your future marriage in a profound way.

Perhaps I shouldn't share my stories, but if it can help someone then hopefully it won't be told in vain. I had always set out to be a virgin when I got married. I loved being a virgin, I felt so special, and growing up in a time when most of my friends were sexually active, it was nice to know that  Iwas pure and innocent. Call it nievity if you want, but by the time I was 16 I had succumb to the "I need a boyfriend" virus. I just wanted some male attention. My Dad had abandon my mom, brother, and I when I was 7 or 8 years old, and I never had that Daddy's Little Girl treatment. I believe that this was a contributing factor for me wanting male attention. When I go back and read my diaries from Jr. High and Highschool, the same theme played over and over....I need to be loved, I need to feel loved, I want to be loved.  I mean up until that point in my life, no one had ever said I was  pretty, or worthy of any love, and it seemed as if my friends were always getting flowers, love notes, and affections, and I just wanted a little bit of that. That meant I need a boyfriend.

Looking back, I realize how stupid I was, I mean I fell for all the classic "let me get you to drop your pants" lines. My first boyfriend, was older than me, and he basicly told me that he loved me and all, but that there were other girls that he could be having sex with, if I didn't. Well one year, lots of drama, and a positve pregnacy test, I no longer had a my virginity, or a boyfriend. I was beyond devastated. Just how could a church going, God loving, youth group active, young lady end up in a situation like this. Even to this day I ask myself  why didn't  I just say no. For the longest time I hated myself, just pure disgust, what man would ever want me now?

By the time I was 20, I realized that for most people, sex was a recreational sport. So I just joined in the game. Every time, I felt so disgusted with myself, and realized that I had just been used.....again. No matter how fun and exciting it feels in the beginning, as a woman, you soon realize that you are always at the losing end of the stick. You always find out right after sex  that you and the guy aren't compatible, he has a girlfreind, he's married, or he was just out for the sex, and you let him have it. I lost a little bit of my heart, soul, and humanity. I actually got to a point where I was asking myself am I capable of really loving someone like the first time. Sometimes I still wonder if I can love like that, judge me if you want to, but it's the truth.

How many times have I wished that I was a virgin when I got married, or that I would have cared enough about myself to not buy into the whole free love, game. My husband admitted to me that if he had known from the beginning my sexual past, that he probably would not have married me, because he never wanted to be with a woman that was so used ( as harsh as this may sound, most men still feel that way, even though they may act differently). He felt, and still feels that a woman should try to protect herself a little more than a man. He told me that after all the women that he had gotten to sleep with so easily, that he wated to be with a woman that actually made him wait, so that atleast we would know he had done something  to earn her affections. I cried so hard when he told me that, not so much for the fact that he said the truth for him, but that it confirmed in my mind what I had felt all those years, and that is that I was "used goods".  In that moment I had to face the truth of how I felt all those years, and that is unworthy.

In all honesty, I'm glad that we had that conversation, because I was able to forgive myself, and my husband and I were able to move forward, because I was no longer witholding anything from him. However I wonder how many women feel the way I did.

I look at show like The Bad Girls Club and see these girls that are very promiscuous, and think are they REALLY happy? I mean at the end of the day, when they had a threesome, or gave a BJ to some guy they barley know, or had sex with a guy after 2 days of knowing him do they really feel good about themselves? I see it all the time, it's completly normal for  a woman to give her body up to a man within a few days. How do they feel after the 5th guy dumps, them, number 6 just wasn't right, number 10 was becasue she was drunk or high, number 15 was married?

It seems everywhere I look nowadays, young girls and women, have just decided to be like the men. Well if a man can sleep with 50 girls, how come I can't. Threesomes are normal, and younger and younger teens are imitating their favorite celebs, which happen to be teens that act older, behave in a more sensual ways,and dress sexier than they really should for their age. My friend's son just went to his 8th grade formal dance last week, and reported to his mom how all the girls were grinding and humping each other on the dance floor. Looks like future Girls Gone Wild participants are getting an early start. It really broke my heart to hear that.

All this makes me wonder what percentage of women have anythng special for their husbands to see, that 5,10,15, 25 men haven't already seen. How many lay in bed regretting, not feeling worthy, heart freezing over, when they realize that they have been used for sex. How many are in denial thinking that women can have just as much sex, and sexual partners and still be looked at the same? Some must learn from experience, I just wish experience wasn't the best teacher. Wisdom should be the greates teacher. we should seek out and listen to those who have walked before us, so that our trip down life's road can be a little bit easier.

No comments:

Post a Comment